I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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