Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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