the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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