theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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