your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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