I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
