So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just puked most of my soul out..
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
