New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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