billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
