This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
