You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My ATM looks so different sober.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
