dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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