i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
last night I used snow as a chaser
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