so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
