I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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