I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
