So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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