You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
