I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.