Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.