I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.