i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
