she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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