There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
