dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
