Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
