dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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