Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
