I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I AM VODKA MAN
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
