drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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