from now on my penis is your penis
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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