I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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