I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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