I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
