I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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