I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
