Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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