I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
