I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
