Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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