you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
