We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
