I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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