On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
