Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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