I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
