If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Your penis caused this!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
