I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We named our party play list daddy issues
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
