i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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