He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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