when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
