I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
