I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
