2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
