I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This is the high leading the old right now
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
