she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
