Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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