so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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