THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
